So, the 'inspiration' behind this post is two-fold. The first came from an A to Z Challenge blog post by fantasy/romance author Susan Gourley/Kelley in which she writes "I've met writers who work for years on their manuscripts, polishing, rewriting, getting advice and yet never quite feeling ready to send it out into the world. They don't seem to want to take the next step and fight to get their story into the hands of readers."
I might as well have been looking into a damn mirror because I can't think of anything that better describes me than that.
I have worked on Effigy for years. I have been polishing and rewriting it. The advice part never seems to work out as well as I hope it might but it's been there too (kind of) and yet, I never do feel ready to send it out in the world. Sure, currently there are two big gaping holes in Chapter Thirteen because there are two new scenes (part of that whole rewriting thing) I have yet to finish so right now would really be a terrible time to send Effigy out into the world. The world would end up thinking that I don't know how to construct a sentence properly. Well, I don't know— y'all have read this blog long enough. It's quite possible you already think that.
But anyway, it left me feeling kind of weird. Sad. Depressed, even. I don't like feeling that I'm not fighting for my book.
It got worse later that day when I tuned in to watch a rerun of one of my favorite sitcoms How I Met Your Mother. It was the season four episode "Mosbius Design" where Ted starts his own architecture firm and spends most of the episode procrastinating on calling potential clients. When Robin finally asks him what the hell he's doing, he responds with, "What if I don't think of the books?" And then he goes on to explain that some architect somewhere designed a beautiful library that sank into the ground a little more each year because the architect forgot to account for the weight of the books (apparently the library was not filled with eBooks...). This led to Ted's admission that "the longer I put off starting my own firm, the longer it can remain a dream and not something I screwed up."
Why could've they have rerun the Robin Sparkles/Slapbet episode? I identify far less with that one.
Hey... look at that. I'm getting sidetracked. The point is, I guess, that even when (if?) I do finish those two chapter thirteen scenes and fix the other post it note edits awaiting my attention, and then fix the ones that'll inevitably pop up after that, chances are I still won't feel ready to put my book out in the world.
I just... I don't want to screw this up. I don't want to screw this up. I don't want to screw this up. I screw a lot of things up; I mean, it's practically an art form at this point but I don't want Effigy to be one of those things. And as long as I keep procrastinating, as long as I keep writing and rewriting, Effigy isn't something I've screwed up. And I love this project too much for it to become something I screwed up.
Yesterday was my In Real Life writers' group and as it was Poetry Month, I shared a poem I'd written and it was well received by all. One member of the group (the man I not so affectionately refer to as 'Ego Man') made several unamusing jokes (at least I assume they were jokes) about how he was going to steal my work (So. Not. Funny.) but a couple other group members talked about me becoming a huge success as a writer because clearly I have talent. I thanked them, of course, because it was really very kind of them to tell me that but told them I wasn't going for huge success. I'd be thrilled with a small success. I'd be thrilled with the "someone who wasn't me nor related to me bought a copy of my novel" success.
But maybe I should've said I'd be thrilled with the "I finally have the confidence in myself and my work to take the plunge and see what happens!" success. Because that's probably more where my head's at right now.
So yeah, I am that writer who keeps writing and rewriting and then does some more rewriting before she rewrites some other stuff but I don't want to be. I don't want to be that girl who keeps saying "This year's gonna be the year!" only to have it not be the year (you know, like I do every year in January when I post my yearly goals) but I don't know how to be any other girl. Not yet.
But I hope I figure it out soon.